saturday :(
not a good day.
they started arguing..... as usual.
but it was taken to the maximum and they snapped.
said shit that shuldnve been said, found out things tha shuldntve been found out and thought thigs tha shuldntve been thought.
then he gets up lifts his shoe ready to hit.
i scream.
he stops.
he puts his shoe back on runs to his bedroom gets a suitcase chucks his shit in it and says fuck yous im leaving.
i scream , im scared, i feel abandoned?
i jump on him , pul him down , beggigng screaming pleeding .
"dont go" "pleaaaasee" pleaaaseee" "nooo daddy dontt"/
he pushes me off him? i grab his leg and am histerical.
"dont leave please i love you please"
he breaks.
he cant bleve what his done.
he picks me up says heloves me and craddles me?
he says he wont leave,
but thats for now.
whats going to happen next time.
and trust me there'll be a next time , and i doubt its going to be pretty.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
i really miss him.
you know he was a big part of my life.
my grandfather.alot of people see there grandparents like they would see there aunties or uncles or other parts of the family . but we had a sepical bond with ours.
he had elzimers.
it was hard. hard to have your grandfather not know or remember who you were.
it was hard to have him not remember who his own 7 children were.
it was hard to have him not remember his wife.
it was hard to have him forget every single thing about his life.
we would feed him, clothe him, care for him.
its harder for me my brothers and my cousin carmela cause we remember him before he got this illness, we had a closer bond to him then our other cousins did. and to watch him slowly go into a vegetated state over the years was hard.
we use to just laugh at the things he would say and do , because it was better to laugh then to cry.
i use to love it when i would sit on his lap and he would sing cella loona mezzo mare in my ear. and tell me he loved me. and just hold me. - thats what i miss most.
it would reminnd me of the times before he got sick.
he got sick when i was 8 btw.
when he died last year. i found it hard becauseeveryweekend we would go visit him , feed him , talk to him , and just be there with him. but we couldnt do that anymore. what i would give to say goodbye to him.
most of our funniest storys have been with him.
i remember when his sister, my 2nd aunty grazia died. he was at our house when we found out and he had no idea his sister had died , because if we told him he would forget 2 seconds later. we were all crying and we couldnt understand why .
another time , he was at a funeral and started to congratulate everyone.
you see my nonno was a very highly respected man, and when he got this awful illness people stopped going round to see him because they couldnt deal with the pain.
i miss the times he'd try feed us his food and put breadh in his coffee.
i miss the times he'd propose to my nonna.
i miss the times he'd sing and dance for us.
i just , well , i just miss him :(
my grandfather.alot of people see there grandparents like they would see there aunties or uncles or other parts of the family . but we had a sepical bond with ours.
he had elzimers.
it was hard. hard to have your grandfather not know or remember who you were.
it was hard to have him not remember who his own 7 children were.
it was hard to have him not remember his wife.
it was hard to have him forget every single thing about his life.
we would feed him, clothe him, care for him.
its harder for me my brothers and my cousin carmela cause we remember him before he got this illness, we had a closer bond to him then our other cousins did. and to watch him slowly go into a vegetated state over the years was hard.
we use to just laugh at the things he would say and do , because it was better to laugh then to cry.
i use to love it when i would sit on his lap and he would sing cella loona mezzo mare in my ear. and tell me he loved me. and just hold me. - thats what i miss most.
it would reminnd me of the times before he got sick.
he got sick when i was 8 btw.
when he died last year. i found it hard becauseeveryweekend we would go visit him , feed him , talk to him , and just be there with him. but we couldnt do that anymore. what i would give to say goodbye to him.
most of our funniest storys have been with him.
i remember when his sister, my 2nd aunty grazia died. he was at our house when we found out and he had no idea his sister had died , because if we told him he would forget 2 seconds later. we were all crying and we couldnt understand why .
another time , he was at a funeral and started to congratulate everyone.
you see my nonno was a very highly respected man, and when he got this awful illness people stopped going round to see him because they couldnt deal with the pain.
i miss the times he'd try feed us his food and put breadh in his coffee.
i miss the times he'd propose to my nonna.
i miss the times he'd sing and dance for us.
i just , well , i just miss him :(
Sunday, September 13, 2009
this is exactly why .......
they just dont get it.
i know im never at school.
my parents are so disapointed in me itsjst not funny. but its cause they dont understand.
nobody does.
i go there an all i get is shit about the way i am.
nobody understands how i feel , how could they ?
would you want to be going to aplace wereall you get is crap about yours body and personality ? and hear shit about ther people and have rumors be spread? and not want to be who you are because they make you feel so asahmed
everysingle day. everysingle god dam day i cop it.
"hey skinnyyyy!"
"oh sarah maybe if you turn to the side u'll disappear"
"oh look sarah a stick, its you? "
i hate it,. you know before came to this stupid school i was happy with my body, and who i was . i didnt think there was anything wrong with me or that i was wierd but these people, these stupid self centered arrogant assholes have made me see what they see. a scared little ugly ano brace facced bitch that never shutsup talks far to much and far to fast and is wierd. thats how they make me feel. and thats why i choose to stay home then getup and have to face that stupid shit.
they tease my cuture and my voice. im proud of my culture and im so sick of hearing terrorist jokes. im lebanese and italian. so what i like it. its who i am and who ill always be. they think arab and they think terrorist just cause muslim ? are theys seriouly that stupid? for starters those terroorists were balinese and iraqi and afgani and shit not leb. they think all arabs are muslim? its pathetic lebanon is christian and muslim and all sorts ofreligions. but you know they only hear the part about me being leb. they never hear the im italian to. to them i a hlf lebanese and half italian and because we own a lebo restarant they think im more leb then italian. im not half lebanese and half italian i am full lebanese and full italian and full aussie.
they also say shit about me being stupid? just case sometimes i say the wrong thing or because i dont know answers to everything. that doesnt make me stuppid. i know im smart and i laugh because theyhonestly cant see it . just cause i dont do my work because i cbf dusnt make me stupid . and they dont get my humour, im quiet a scarcastic joke cracking kinda chick and they just dont get it. they take everything so literally.
when they tease and shit they say there joking , like they dont mean it. but they dont get it afterawhile its not a joke any more a jok can only go on for so long.. but how is that funny? i thought jokes were mean to make ppl piss , not cry and become depressed and self concious.
you know no one in my famil have seen my body since i was in year 7. even when we went to bali and were at the beach i coverd up cause i was even embaressd to have my family see the disgust that the servite pricks do.
i have the ones i love. there all ineed. the ones that mean most , they know who they are. althought sometimes i doubt my bestfriend because of her pshyco mood swings but i love her to death.
these people should feel ashamed for the shit they put kids through. they dont ge how much it really hurts and everyone always thinks theresnothing wrong just because i go to school with a smile on my face. its hard to fake a smile everysingle day but id rather do that then have people ask whats wrong. the other day i almost cracked in my english class. but i held back. it was like 2 seconds before i was smiling then bam i cracked started getting pissy and crying. but they didnt get it. the smile its FAKE. not real its a wall. hide my feeings from the ones who made them.
theres just so much more shit going on but honestly i cbf going on and on about it cause its just making me more and more depressed although it did feel good to let it out.
thankss.
i know im never at school.
my parents are so disapointed in me itsjst not funny. but its cause they dont understand.
nobody does.
i go there an all i get is shit about the way i am.
nobody understands how i feel , how could they ?
would you want to be going to aplace wereall you get is crap about yours body and personality ? and hear shit about ther people and have rumors be spread? and not want to be who you are because they make you feel so asahmed
everysingle day. everysingle god dam day i cop it.
"hey skinnyyyy!"
"oh sarah maybe if you turn to the side u'll disappear"
"oh look sarah a stick, its you? "
i hate it,. you know before came to this stupid school i was happy with my body, and who i was . i didnt think there was anything wrong with me or that i was wierd but these people, these stupid self centered arrogant assholes have made me see what they see. a scared little ugly ano brace facced bitch that never shutsup talks far to much and far to fast and is wierd. thats how they make me feel. and thats why i choose to stay home then getup and have to face that stupid shit.
they tease my cuture and my voice. im proud of my culture and im so sick of hearing terrorist jokes. im lebanese and italian. so what i like it. its who i am and who ill always be. they think arab and they think terrorist just cause muslim ? are theys seriouly that stupid? for starters those terroorists were balinese and iraqi and afgani and shit not leb. they think all arabs are muslim? its pathetic lebanon is christian and muslim and all sorts ofreligions. but you know they only hear the part about me being leb. they never hear the im italian to. to them i a hlf lebanese and half italian and because we own a lebo restarant they think im more leb then italian. im not half lebanese and half italian i am full lebanese and full italian and full aussie.
they also say shit about me being stupid? just case sometimes i say the wrong thing or because i dont know answers to everything. that doesnt make me stuppid. i know im smart and i laugh because theyhonestly cant see it . just cause i dont do my work because i cbf dusnt make me stupid . and they dont get my humour, im quiet a scarcastic joke cracking kinda chick and they just dont get it. they take everything so literally.
when they tease and shit they say there joking , like they dont mean it. but they dont get it afterawhile its not a joke any more a jok can only go on for so long.. but how is that funny? i thought jokes were mean to make ppl piss , not cry and become depressed and self concious.
you know no one in my famil have seen my body since i was in year 7. even when we went to bali and were at the beach i coverd up cause i was even embaressd to have my family see the disgust that the servite pricks do.
i have the ones i love. there all ineed. the ones that mean most , they know who they are. althought sometimes i doubt my bestfriend because of her pshyco mood swings but i love her to death.
these people should feel ashamed for the shit they put kids through. they dont ge how much it really hurts and everyone always thinks theresnothing wrong just because i go to school with a smile on my face. its hard to fake a smile everysingle day but id rather do that then have people ask whats wrong. the other day i almost cracked in my english class. but i held back. it was like 2 seconds before i was smiling then bam i cracked started getting pissy and crying. but they didnt get it. the smile its FAKE. not real its a wall. hide my feeings from the ones who made them.
theres just so much more shit going on but honestly i cbf going on and on about it cause its just making me more and more depressed although it did feel good to let it out.
thankss.
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